Happy but not Fulfilled
Ever since I was a young girl, I’ve always been shy in a sense. Those who know me will swear I’m lying. But in all honesty, when it comes to real life, not being social and funny, but real life situations, I’ve always been afraid to shine. I know that sounds crazy right? Most people go to interviews and auditions scared to death that they won’t get the job. But me? I’m terrified that I will. I recently had an incident where I nearly talked myself out of interviewing for a position that I wanted so bad because deep down I knew I was going to get it. I would have to work. I would have to be intentional. And I would have to give up my excuses, which had subconsciously become my comfort zone. Judge your mammy!
It was so bad that even in my middle school years, I would braid my own hair and when people would ask me, “Who did your hair?” I would LIE and say my aunt or someone else did it. I’ve lived my entire life afraid of my own potential. I didn’t want eyes on me or anyone thinking that I thought I was better than them. I’d rather just “dumb it down” than to put my talents on display. Who knew there was even a name for it? I guess one could assume I have been dealing with what psychologists call the Fear of Success.
For the most part, living this way has kept me safe. Sure, I’ve missed lots of opportunities and wasted a lot of time but I was content. I worked my 9 to 5, came home to my boyfriend and my dog, made dinner, went to sleep, and did it all again the next day. Yep that’s pretty much been my life up until January.
One morning mid-January and during my 21 day fast, for no particular reason, I had a thought about dying. In my head I heard the words “If you died today, would you be happy with the life you’re living?” and before I could really give it any thought, I quickly responded “no”. My answer wasn’t no because I wasn’t happy. I was happy, but I wasn’t fulfilled. I wasn’t utilizing everything that God has given me and the weight of that had become too much for me. Needless to say, I was pretty bombed out after that little epiphany and I spent a lot of time reflecting on what I really needed in my life. I found that I had everything I needed to be my best self all along. I realized that I’d been making excuses and hiding instead of spreading my wings, regardless if they’re ugly and stained some days or if they are shimmering like glitter. It’s still my responsibility to wake up every day and fly in the fullness of them.
Though it’s been a tough few weeks, I’m slowly coming to accept that whether I shine or not, people are always watching and most times will have an opinion either way. But my desire has to be to seek the approval of my Father over the applause from the people. And that’s just what I’m gonna do!
Hugs & Glitter Kisses,